Tuesday, March 8, 2011

My Lunch Box - By Katie


I once opened my lunch box and there staring at me was humungous, hairy, jet black spider!  It’s beady red eyes staring straight at me.  I instantly dropped my lunch box in fright and raced off squealing!  I glanced back to see that the spider had crawled out and started terrorising others.  Everyone let out an ear-piercing scream!  The spider covered its ears.  I examined my lunch box and there were charcoal hairs all over the place.  The spider let out a loud hiss, which I recall must have been a call for help because in one millisecond there were a number of spiders coming out of the drains.  Someone screamed, “attack of the mad spider!”  Suddenly a humungous, fury, chalk white, cat with a pitch black patch over one eye appeared in front of me.  Her tail brushed against my skin.  It was oh so fluffy.  The spiders froze, then quick as a flash, they scurried away back into the drains – that is all of them except the one that was in my lunch box!  The cat crept forward and let out a loud hiss.  The spider let out a squeaking noise and scuttled off as if someone had chopped its leg off.  The cat walked away smartly.  Everyone clapped and cheered while someone put a daisy chain around her neck.  I didn’t want to eat from my lunch box so I snuck away as the cat pranced down the street.  I dumped the lunch box in my bag.  When I got home I emptied out the lunch box and threw it in the sink and thought about what I been through.  I was very thankful that the cat had come.  Deep in thought, I sat down on the fluffy, pink couch at the side of the room.  I let out a peaceful sigh as I ate a Gingernut cookie.  I wandered into my bedroom , hopped into  bed and lay there.  Life is so peaceful I thought as I drifted off.  

9 comments:

  1. Crikey - I can imagine the screams were blood curdling!I absolutely love the choices with words you have made. Words like "examined" and "glanced" are far more interesting than "looked" and they certainly share feelings and emotions. I think I would like to know a little bit more about that cat...The fact that she crept forward hissing tells me she was being brave and then when she "pranced" down the street, I think she must have been feeling relieved, proud of herself and pretty powerful. Why was that cat there? I would love to hear a bit more of her story.

    I love at the end how your character reflects on the day... But I am left to wonder - what were the spiders up to and will they come back???

    Fantastic writing, Katie - Room 7 will be looking in regularly to see what you and your classmates are up to :)

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  2. What a clever writer you are! I love your choice of words too, especially the part where you say "brushed against my skin" and "scuttled off". You are wonderfully descriptive!

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  3. What a fantastic story, Katie! I love all of the 'juicy' (adjectives and advebs) words which you used. I particularly liked "beady red eyes'; what a scary spider, and usually I don't really mind spiders.
    I also liked your hero, I have a cat and I am sure he would save me if the need arose?
    Keep up the fantastic writing, Katie :-)
    Marama Stewart
    Principal, Pukeokahu School

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  4. Katie, what an amazing story. I could really 'see' the spider in your story. I love your use of language - especially millisecond and scurried and lots lots more. When a student in my class wrote something that made me really 'feel' the story I danced on my chair. My class loved it. Maybe you could tell your teacher about this. I think I know where the spider you wrote about goes a night - I think I found it outside my backdoor.
    http://ak365.posterous.com/67365
    I wonder how I would know if it was the same spider?
    Fabulous writing. I look forward to reading more of your great work.
    Mrs K (Friend on Mrs Buist)

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  5. What a great piece of writing! I like the way you start the story, you start with a scary but neverless perfectly likely incident but then build more tension by introducing all the other spiders. You used adjectives to help paint a picture in my mind so I can visualise what is happening. Next time you write (and I hope you write lots more) you might want to check the sequence of events, here you drop your box and run off nut a bit later say you check the box, I need to know a little more about how that happened. Well done :)

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  6. Katie, what a wonderful writer you are and what a great imagination! I was drawn to your story and couldnt take my eyes away. I am looking forward to reading more. Nice one. Gillian x

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  7. THAT WAS A marvelous piece of writing Katie
    _Bee

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  8. I thought that was brilliant Katie. I loved how you had so many adjectives and it was very funny. I thought you could have explained a bit more about what the spider looked like.
    Matthew.

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  9. Dear Room 9,
    Our teacher found a link to your blog on twitter. We read Katie's story, and then created our own stories inspired by your work! We chose an ordinary object or event in our day and then chose an evil creature to disrupt the day! Thank you for sharing your work. We hope to share one of our finished stories with you when we are done.
    Your e-friends,
    2P in Alberta, Canada
    @Mrs_P_teaches

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